Hermione and Draco: The Secret LUV
by Three People Trying To Write
Summary: this is a PARODY which makes fun of all the HD fics out there, nothing mean intended, just having fun. ;) READ ME! IM FUNNY, DAMMIT! now w8st chapter goodness
1. Princess Hermione

Authors' Note:  
Okie, here we go, a Hermione/Draco spoof. We were just noticing how many of these there are out there.and after reading a few particularly awful and unbelievable ones, decided to write our own! Of course, it's not our usual anti-cliché, death-to-mary-sues, somewhat plotholeless fic. This has plotholes rampant, Uzi submachine guns, yachts, cannibalism, royalty.and that' just in the first two chapters, folks! Have fun with this parody, if we get reviews we'll further it. Maybe we'll write more anyway, it's fun.lol, I know, we're sick. ;)  
  
First chappie is short, reviews will be guilded and hung in our family room. Because there's nothing else to put there, but still, feel the honor..  
  
Hermione and Draco's Secret Love  
Chapter 1: Princess Hermione  
It's the most perfect day of the summer, Hermione Granger thought to herself as she looked out of the glittering, crystal-blue ocean. A perfect day to lie in the sun in a horribly skimpy bathing suit to show of my breathtakingly tan body which I miraculously obtained through hours of exposure to harmful UV rays and lots of plastic surgery. Thank God the scars have faded in just two weeks.  
Hermione was barely recognizable as the bushy-haired, buck-toothed freak she had been just a few weeks earlier. Failing to embrace her natural "beauty", she disappeared to a magical spa in the Swiss alps as soon as her fifth year of Hogwarts had ended. She emerged like a butterfly from its cocoon, a radiant goddess fit to appear on Baywatch. However, this was Hermione's secret, for she had told no one of her metamorphosis. Astonishingly, two days after she had returned from the spa, she had discovered that the Grangers were not her parents at all!!!! Her real parents were magical pure blooded Austrian royalty who had swept her away to their castle. Of course, being a princess was not easy. To help ease the transition from muggle-born mediocrity to being addressed as "your Highness", her new parents had sent her away on their eighty-foot yacht in the South of France, which is where she was basking in the sunlight at that moment.  
Hermione laid back on the highly polished deck of the H.R.H Hermione II, the second boat named after her. She sighed contently, swishing her luxurious, gleaming curls of brunette hair behind her as she looked out over the ocean. 


	2. Uzis and Lasers

Authors' Note:  
We know the first chapter was short, so here's the second one.in case anyone is having as much fun with this as we did late at night.everything's funnier when you're overtired, I'll tell you that.  
  
Chapter 2: Uzis and Lasers  
"It's safe to move on, now," said the cold voice of Luscious Malfoy (no, that's not a typo).  
"It's still light out, you know," said the equally cold voice of Narcissa Malfoy, as she flicked the ashes carelessly from her Marlboro cigarette.  
"Shut up, woman," Luscious retorted harshly.  
Huddled in a dark, lonely corner of their rusted shrimping boat sat Draco Malfoy. The Malfoy family had been on the run from the Ministry for almost three weeks. The lack of food and water had brought all of their spirits down, especially Draco, whose emaciated lifestyle had rendered him weak and helpless in the face of his cruel parents. In fact, at this very moment, unbeknownst to him, they were plotting his demise for their own sustenance.  
Draco cast a glance at the two dark robed figures of his parents, who were whispered agitatedly between themselves. He could not make out their words.  
"All right," said Luscious grudgingly to his wife, "I'll strangle the boy if you gut him."  
"It has to be done now, Luscious," she snapped, "I'm frickin' starving. Throw me a frickin' bone here. Then get me some frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads."  
Luscious turned a cold gray eye towards his son. Draco observed with horror as his father picked up a chain near by and started advancing on him. Of course, Draco had been expecting this ever since his told his father to go do something to himself after Luscious had objected to Draco's repeated playing of 50 Cents "21 Questions." God, how he loved that song. He loved it like a fat kid love cake.  
By the time Draco had finished that thought, his father was nearly upon him. The time had come to make an escape. He whipped out his two Uzi submachine guns, and miraculously failed to hit Luscious. Fortunately, it was enough distraction for him to grab his fully packed suitcase and dramatically throw himself from the boat in a perfect swan dive. From the shrimp boat, he heard his mother's malicious laugh.  
"What you don't know, Draco," she said, "is that these waters are infested with frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!!!"  
Luscious looked as his wife incredulously. "Well, now he knows! Thanks a lot, bizz-natch!"  
Draco's heart leapt as he felt the searing heat of a laser beam pass by his left leg. There was a ship in the distance. Could he make it before the sharks ripped him limb from limb. Fortunately, he still had that outboard motor fixed onto the back of his suitcase. Blindly firing the uzis at the sharks behind him, Draco sped off into the wild blue waters, heading for that shadow of hope: the distant ship. 


	3. The Meeting

Argh, the incompatability of ff.n and Microsoft Word!!! As you may have noticed, chapter three was all smushed together. So here's a re-upload that should have fixed the problem. Also, whenever we put in three dots (ellipsis points, thank you English teacher), it comes out as one period with no spaces on the sides. Annoying as hell, but just so you know we're not horrible editors. More fic tomorrow! We love all the lovely reviewers, all, er, four of you. Oh well, the family room's only so big.  
  
Chapter 3: The Meeting  
BOOM!  
A massive thud shook the yacht, jerking Hermione from her deep thoughts. She jumped gracefully up, concerned for the ship and all those loyal servants on board. (Besides, she didn't exactly feel like a swim.)  
A sailor ran by. "It's an iceberg! We're gonna die! Hard to starboard!" With that, he added something about every man for himself and flung himself to the mercy of the frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.  
Hermione panicked, forgetting that they were in a sub-tropical climate and that the sailor suffered mental deficiencies. She ran to the railing. But the sight she saw in the water below didn't make sense to her.  
  
"Excuse me, sir!" she grabbed the attention of another sailor. "What's going on?"  
"Boy on a suitcase with a motor crashed into the boat while trying to evade his cannibalistic parents, your Highness," he said.  
"No, what I mean is why the hell didn't I get a little umbrella in my pina colada today?!"  
He blinked at her. She gave him a swift slap across the face. "Don't blink at me! I'm royalty!"  
"Oh yessa ma sa," he said.  
"What?"  
"Er, yes'm."  
"That's more like it."  
The sailor went away humming to himself. "Is it worth it, lemme work it.."  
Quite promptly, Hermione decided it was time for her to go to bed. It had been an exhausting day of drinking and lounging and deep contemplation on her new self. But before she could retire, a deep groan from off the side of the boat distracted her.  
The youth was coming to. The sailors heaved him on board, very nearly putting him at her feet. Next they brought up his outboard motor and suitcase, which was found to contain a two Yiddish dictionaries, hedgeclippers, a whip and a lacy black thong.  
"That's my dad's," he made the effort to say, groggily picking up his head from the deck. "Night job, you know."  
"Right. Well, I didn't wanna know."  
Suddenly, the sound of hooves and frantic neighing could be heard from the back of the boat.  
"What? What's the matter with Buttercup?" Hermione asked. Buttercup was Hermione's pony-she'd always wanted one.  
She whirled around, shampoo-commercial-worthy hair flying out behind her. She let out a yell in surprise as she saw her pony galloping towards, eyes wide and mouth frothing.  
"NOOOO!!!!"  
"I'll catch it!" Draco said, whipping out a butterfly net. (Where he was keeping that, we don't wanna know either. . . .) He dove in front Hermione, pushing her to safety, just as Buttercup came trampling over him and leapt off the side of the boat.  
Hermione let out a piercing scream. Draco stood up quickly, his arm hanging at a wrong angle from his side. "I'm okay!"  
"No you're not."  
"Yes I am."  
"Your arm's broken."  
"No it's not."  
"Um, yeah, it is."  
"It's just a flesh wound!"  
She blinked at him. "Right."  
Noticing how thin and weak he was, Hermione guessed that Draco was merely out of his mind. In fact, she admired his obvious restraint from food. He was deeply tanned, his chiseled features, rugged muscles and six- pack abs (visible through his wet t-shirt) standing out from his fatless body.  
Suddenly, a sailor let out a piercing, girly scream as he noticed the red liquid billowing out from the boat.  
"Ew," said Hermione delicately. "That horse always made a horrible mess." She turned her attention back to Draco, but at that very moment, in a puff of magical smoke, appeared no less than ten people bearing 'MPETA' badges on their cloaks.  
"We're from the Magical People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals," they said importantly.  
"TMPFTETOA?"  
"No, MPETA. We cut out all the less important words."  
"All words are equally important, don't you think?" said Draco.  
"Well, you've got to admit, MPETA is a lot easier to say and put on bumper stickers than TMPFTETOA."  
"Point. But, look here, you're really not relevant to this story, are you?"  
"We're trying to be comical."  
"You're doing a crappy job of it," said Hermione, glaring. "You're bringing this whole fic down."  
"It sucked anyway! The frickin' sharks thing is so over used! Not to mention outdated, when's Austin Powers 1 from, 1997?!"  
"Shut up!"  
The people from MPETA promptly threw buckets of red paint over Hermione, Draco, and a few unlucky sailors, then disappeared.  
Hermione looked at you. "Does this story really suck? I kind of like it, really, even though it's a bit corny---"  
"It's supposed to be," said Draco.  
"---but I like being all beautiful and stuff."  
"I don't like it. I'm really, really hungry and my arm is broken."  
"Oh, really? I thought it wasn't broken!"  
"Well it isn't!"  
"Oy, you two are dense," said yet another token sailor.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ haha, er. . .yeah. please review? and if you read some of our other stories, they're not as bad as this one, really. ( If you have title, plot, or joke suggestions, we'd love to hear them ^_~ 


	4. Strategically Short Chapter

Yes, it is rather short. Might work on ch. 5 now, or The Girl Who Loved You Know Who, my serious fic. . . anyway. Furnikle, I agree, the third chapter was a little forced. . .but oh well. ( Y'all enjoy this one now, ya hear?  
  
Chapter Four: Strategically Short Chapter  
  
Hermione watched as sailors escorted the injured boy to the hospital ward at the end of the boat. She wondered who this strikingly handsome boy was, and what he was doing out in the middle of the ocean with an outboard motor strapped to the back of his suitcase. She decided to contemplate this while taking a warm shower to cleanse herself of the red paint the MPETA representatives had so rudely covered her in. Anyways, it wasn't like she pushed her horse off the boat.  
The shower was remarkably refreshing. Afterwards, she wrapped herself up in a fluffy pink towel and sat on the edge of her bed to comb out her hair. There was no chance of anyone walking in on her, least of all that mysterious boy. Or so she THOUGHT!!!  
Suddenly, the door swung open, and in stepped-none other but the suitcase riding boy!  
Hermione gasped. He looked even better after his shower. Yet something was oddly familiar about him and his pale-blonde hair..  
"It's DRACO MALFOY!" shouted all the sailors, Luscious and Narcissa, the readers and everyone else in a 4-mile radius. Hermione failed to notice.  
"Oh, dear, I'm so terribly sorry," said the youth, blushing.  
"No, no, it's alright," said Hermione, smiling, eager for another cliché scene to show the obvious romantic tension between her and him. Besides, she rarely wore anything less revealing than a towel.  
Draco stared at the girl before him, reveling in her radiant beauty. Who was this girl? He had to know.  
"It's HERMIONE GRANGER!" shouted the sailors, Luscious and Narcissa, the readers, and everyone else in a 4-mile radius.  
Draco jumped. "Did you hear something?" he said to the girl.  
"No," Hermione said curiously.  
"Sorry," said Draco, "I suffer from mild schizophrenia."  
"I find that incredibly sexy," said Hermione.  
"Anyway, I owe you my life."  
"Oh, it was nothing."  
"Oh, okay then."  
"Well, it was a bit she-roic on my part."  
"No, really, if it was nothing-I'll just forget about it." He couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want to seem rude, but she was so incredibly beautiful, he must ask now. "Say, what's your name anyway?"  
Hermione smiled in response, wanting to ask him the very same thing. She opened her mouth to reply.  
But before Hermione could answer, the chapter ended. 


	5. Preparation H, er, for the Ball, really

Yay! One and Two have been reunited…the result…more senseless, mediocre parody! .::cheers::.

Well, anyway. Chapter is short, but we say, deal! ;) Enjoy, laugh if you can. Ten points for your house if you can tell us where Kathy Bates is from. We'll keep score, promise. 

Also, we are looking for a new title!!! Suggestions encouraged! Please review, as always, they make us all happy inside.

Chapter Five: Preparation 

Hermione glared in frustration at the authors. "My name is---"

The door to her bedroom once again swung open, this time to reveal Vin Diesel, toting Draco's suitcase. "Hey you!"

"Who, me?" said Hermione.

"No, the other kid. Leo-DiCaprio-Wannabe. You left this on the deck." 

"Er, thanks," said Draco uncertainly. They held their conversation, waiting for Vin to leave. Instead of exiting, however, he eyed Hermione in her towel.

Vin let out a whistle. "Lookin' good there, Princess."

Draco felt his jaw drop. "You're a _princess_?"

"You didn't know that?" Vin gave Draco a hearty smack on the head. Under his breath, he muttered something about, "never liked blonde guys. . ."

"Mr. Diesel---!" Hermione protested.

"Captain, please, Princess---"

"_Captain_ Diesel, could you _please_ leave me and my guest alone? You're interrupting our conversation."

Captain Vin Diesel shook his head. "You two can't find out who you are yet, not until you fall in love."

"But---"

"No buts about it. Now, Blondie, if you'd just come with me---"

Draco looked scared. "Why should I come with you?"

"You can't go to the ball like that. Come on, we gotta get you fed and dressed." 

"I'm so glad we're having a ball," Hermione said dreamily. "I've got all these gowns in my closet, sometimes I wear them when we go to the beach and walk around with my hair flying back like a model. But now I'll get to dance in them!"

She opened a little door to reveal hundreds of ball gowns and prom dresses, in every color imaginable. "Go on! See you in an hour." 

Draco stepped out into the corridor, followed closely by Captain Vin Diesel. 

"If you break her heart, I'll break your neck," said the Captain, then jumped into his green Civic and sped away for the front of the boat.

Draco stood bewildered in the hallway, wondering what to do next. From behind him he heard footsteps and the faint swoosh of an evening gown.

"Hey there, sonny!" said a loud female voice.

In the corridor there stood a short squat women with an oddly familiar face.

"You'll be needing something to wear tonight, I reckon," she said, sizing him up.

"Not to be rude or anything," said Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin son of a Death Eater who lived for mockery and the insult of others, "but may I ask who you are?"

"Oh sure, sonny," she laughed jovially and clapped him on the shoulder. "Name's Kathy Bates, and it just so happens I have a suit of my son's that's just about your size. I carry it around with me in case I run out of toilet paper- or if someone needs a spare."

"I'd be much obliged if you would loan it to me," replied Draco, now with complete disregard for the hard work J.K Rowling had put into his characterization.

"Right this way, then. Got a cabin in first class."

Draco followed her down the hall and up a flight of stairs. "You say 'first class.' I thought this was a private yacht."

Kathy Bates blinked at him, scratched her head, and chose not to reply. Instead, she leaned close and sniffed his ear.

"Is that Dolce & Gabanna you're wearing?"

"Why yes-yes it is."

"That's how a man should smell."

And with that, she led him into her stately, first-class cabin.


	6. The BALL

unregistered person was right! Kathy Bates played Molly Brown in Titanic, who gave Jack clothes. Leave your house in your next review and we'll start tallying up points!

This chapter's question: finish the following

_I'm gellin' like a _____. Want some _____?_

Double question so 20 pts this time!!! Yay! :-D

Chapter 6: The BALL

Draco wanted to look his best for Hermione. Instead of slicking back his white-blonde hair as usual, he let it hang loose, framing his face in a very Jonathan-Jackson-in-Tuck-Everlasting sort of way. He took one last nervous glance at himself in the mirror. When he exited Kathy Bates' cabin, Captain Diesel was waiting for him. 

"Dude," said the Captain, pointing to his hair, "you're so not gellin'."

Vin grabbed Draco by the arm and shoved him into his sleek, black Baracuda.  He drove off to the ball room.

Inside, a glittering chandelier shone down upon a ten-piece orchestra. In the front of the ballroom was a grand mahogany staircase. Every face in the room was turned towards the staircase, as though eagerly awaiting something.

Then, she entered.

Hermione was enveloped in a shimmering dress of pink satin. She'd been smart about tanning; therefore there were no unsightly tan lines crisscrossing her bare back. The dress was an off-the-shoulder masterpiece, embedded with real sparkling jewels with stunning white arm-length gloves to match. A diamond encrusted 18-kt. gold tiara perched upon her lovely head, along with many more extravagant details that the reader could not care less about.

Draco felt as if the breath had been stolen from his lungs. She was so beautiful, so radiant - he was immensely glad he'd been able to drown out the shrimpy smell with lots of cologne.

She swept down the staircase, gliding as though her feet never touched the ground. The mysterious boy was so handsome - his dazzling eyes gazed at her alone (which is a good thing, because the only other people in the room Vin, token sailors, and musicians). She had never wanted the affection of one boy - no, man - as much as his; and never yet had the need for affection been denied to her. She would win the love of this breath-taking boy - tonight.

As Hermione finished her descent, the lights dimmed save for the spotlight on them, and the orchestra struck up a lively waltz. Draco walked over to Hermione.

"Would you care to dance, Princess?" He asked, extending his hand and bowing low.

"I'd be delighted."

Luscious had always made Draco take ballroom dancing lessons, and now he was grateful. The pair twirled and whirled around the floor, their eyes never straying as they stepped in time to the music.

Out of the corner of his eye, Draco thought he saw a teapot gazing at them knowingly and singing softly. 

"_Tale as old as time, doo doo do do doo_

_borderline obsessed,_

_mentally impaired, _

_no one really cared_

_Schizo and the Prin…cess."_

When he looked again, the teapot was gone. "Whatever," he muttered.

"What was that?" Hermione whispered.

When they looked into each others' eyes, the teapot was all but forgotten. Some mysterious force (such as a determined writer) was pulling them inevitably closer….

Suddenly, a gigantic tremor shook the yacht. The music stopped.

"We've been hit!"


	7. Moby Dork

I (One) am in the process of moving so updates may be sporadic. :) Just fyi. Much love to all who review! And when you answer questions, please leave your house so I can keep track of the points!!! (Hush, unregistered person, about the Muggle business. We can pretend, can't we? ;)

Chapter 7: Moby Dork

Hermione fell into Draco's arms. "What was that?" she screamed.

"You mean you felt it too?" said Draco. "I thought it was just my vertigo!"

The two rushed out onto the balcony (of course there was a balcony) and looked over the side. A great white whale slammed into the yacht again, rolling it heavily to one side. Hermione gasped as she tumbled over the edge.

"Princess!" Draco shrieked like a little girl. He took a moment to contemplate the consequences of jumping in after her, but suddenly he was pushed overboard by a token sailor. Having been on a magical swimming team before he came to Hogwarts, he swam swiftly and surely through the tumultuous water.

"Help!" cried Hermione. Her hands flailed in vain as she disappeared.

Draco swam faster. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her to the surface. Hermione lay limply in his arms. Draco checked her pulse. She was alive, but only just. 

Suddenly, a humongous explosion sounded and the boat burst into flames. Draco screamed and wept bitterly for all the lost token sailors aboard. Suddenly he whirled around in the water. Behind was a wooden lifeboat, and inside sat a sailor, his white-blonde hair smoldering. Suddenly the sailor pulled themm onto the boat, and quite suddenly let out a gasp of pain.

"Listen," he said suddenly, suddenly grasping for a diamond-studded silver dollar sign necklace at his throat. "Take this bling. It's the only thing that matters now. Except for the princess. Watch over her, son."

Draco took the necklace by the chain and looked up into the sailor's eyes. "Son?" he repeated. "Do you mean that as a term of endearment (i.e sonny boy) or are you trying to tell me something?"

The sailor splashed some seawater on his flaming hair. "I'm your father, Draco. I am also mortally wounded. I will die shortly."

"Are you sure?" said Draco, tears brimming on his eyes.

"Well, I can put my finger all the way through my heart, and I'm thinking that's a fairly valid guess."

"NOOOOO!!!"

"Remember me Draco." said his father, and with one last look in his son's eyes, he died.

"This is so f***ed up." Said Draco.

He buried his father at sea---meaning, he pushed him over the side of the lifeboat. Hermione stirred, but did not awake. Draco settled down to await rescue, as he watched Kathy Bates floating off towards the sunset, knitting a scarf and humming to herself.

____________________________________________

there's no business like show business but in the hood there's no business like the…what business? (hint: it rhymes :)


	8. The Glorious Return of Buttercup the Sea...

Laaaaaa! We wuv all of the reviewers! Yaaaaay! .::slap-happiness takes over::. 

~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 8: The Return of Buttercup

In the middle of the night, Hermione awoke to the gentle sound of waves lapping against the little boat.

_Where am I? _she thought. _All she remembered was dancing with a beautiful, mysterious boy…_

She looked to her side. _Oh, there he is, sleeping next to me. _

Out here, in the middle of a mist enshrouded lifeboat, he seemed even more handsome. A few hours on her yacht had restored him to full health, and his face glowed with radiance. Not to mention he resembled an Abercrombie and Fitch model with his blonde hair, tanned skin, and muscular physique. Oh, how she desired to be held in his embrace, to be kissed by his lips! 

Now in her happy place, she drifted off to sleep once again.

****

They both awoke with a start as the dinghy scraped along the edge of a sandy beach.

"Where are we?" asked Draco.

"It seems to me we're on a beach." said Hermione. 

"No sh*t, Sherlock," said Draco.

She looked taken aback. "That was quite vulgar. This story is only rated PG, you remember?"

"Well, what do you propose I do?"

"What J. K. Rowling does…say 'dung' instead."

"No dung, Sherlock?" He paused, contemplative. "I'm sorry, that just doesn't have the same ring to it."

"Let's move on."

"Right."

"We're on a beach…it looks deserted…. Not to mention [something funny]."

Through the spray of the ocean waves (which were crystal-clear and sparkly), Draco thought he spied something. "What's that?"

Hermione followed his gaze down the beach. She let out a gasp. "It's Buttercup!"

"Neigh!" said the horse triumphantly. 

She ran to her pony (okay, it was a full-grown horse, but don't tell her that). "But—Buttercup! How can this be?"

"Neighneigh, neigh, neighneighneigh-neigh neigh!" (_Translation: Plastics make it possible. Also, wouldn't you know it, my seat cushion functioned as a floatation device!)_

Hermione nodded intently. "But what about the blood?"

"Neigh, neighneighneighneigh neighneigh-neigh neigh neighneigh-neigh neigh!" _(Translation: Cranberry juice.)_

"Hey! What's that you've got there?" exclaimed Draco.

The horse stuck its nose into the sea foam and produced a large teddy bear, now severely moist. Buttercup threw her head to one side, ripping open the teddy bear to reveal everything needed for survival on a desert isle, including Twister. 

"You're the best horse ever!" declared Hermione, giving her a large hug. The horse whinnied, biting off a large chunk of her shoulder flesh affectionately.

Draco donned the water wings he found inside the bear. "Perfect! I'll go swim and catch us some fish, Princess!"

"Have fun, ruggedly mysterious boy!" she exclaimed, blowing a kiss. Draco dove to catch it, falling into the surf.

"Help!" he cried. "I'm drowning!"

UH-OH! CLIFFHANGER!!!

~*~*~*~*~

For ten points: identify what we were making fun of when Buttercup bites Hermione!

Hufflepuff is DOMINATING this game, all you other-house supporters better get into it and answer some questions! No penalties for stupidity, we're not Snape! :-D

empty box of Kleenex 


End file.
